Life's Just a Roller Coaster

[shiredancer]

You know, I think being fifty and therefore at the mid-point in life is affecting me more than I'm willing to let on. I've had more emotional ups and downs today than ought to be allowed; my moods are swinging on a much wider pendulum. The Big M proceeds apace and, truthfully, I just don't like it. And there's a bigger, darker side to it that I can barely face: Mortality. But I can't avoid it, either. It leads to gloomy thoughts, that's for sure.

So today I had the unnerving thought that I have maybe one more good decade left. I mean, how's that for uncomfortable?? I *do* expect to live to be at least 100, or well up in the 90s, but watching my parents slide that slippery slope -- I realize that the 70s and 80s and on up are most definitely not... easy. And I'm not ready, not for old age, not even for middle age. I hadn't expected to come into this feeling so *young*. I rather thought I'd be experiencing, not dignity exactly (because I'm not somber or well-behaved enough for that), but at least grace and warmth and wisdom. (But then when you're younger, fifty sounds *awfully* old. LOL!) And instead I still feel, embarrassingly enough, rather wide-eyed and even sometimes naive. Still wide open to the world and its wonders, and as if I can yet frolic and scamper about, like when I was twenty. But the sad thing is that I'm beginning to suspect that such attitudes aren't quite becoming anymore. Like I have to take my place among the middle-aged women of the world, or something.

Frankly, I'm baffled as to what to do about this. Guess I'll go to bed, then.

Comments

[baylorsr.livejournal.com]

Eat, drink and be merry?

/unhelpful cliches

Let's hope you have more than one good decade left in you. My paternal grandmother is nearly 80, and other than a couple of bad knees that she had to get replaced is in outstanding health and thoroughly enjoying life. (My maternal grandmother, on the other hand, is nearly 90, and has been claiming that she's about to die any day now for the past 25 years. I must say, she's not in good health anymore, but she was 25 years ago when she began this business of dying.)

[shiredancer.livejournal.com]

No, eat, drink and be Merry (!) is sound advice -- I'll take it! Thanks for the upbeat note. Er, I plan on following the example of your paternal grandmother...

[nonniemous.livejournal.com]

Don't you DARE give up and take your place among the middle-aged women of the world! Wide-eyed and naive and open to the world and its wonders is a beautiful thing on a person, at any age! It's *very* becoming on you. You're wonderful and lovely just as you are, and I would miss you very, very much if you decided to become staid and middle-aged. Though somehow, I really have a hard time picture you as "staid." The belly dancing outfits just don't quite go with that image. ;-)

The Big M sucks, I think, in general. But don't let those hormones convince you to be other than you are.

My paternal grandmother died at 89 because she was tired of living. Her sister, my lovely, lovely great-aunt Gladys, died at 94 because she didn't want to be alone after her younger sister (my grandmother died.) Gladys tripped and fell, breaking her arm when she was 92. She was on her way to renew her driver's lisense. ;-) Their mother died at 98, their father at 89. I can go without the broken arms, but I plan to live at least that long, and at least that well.

[shiredancer.livejournal.com]

Ulp... okay, not joining the ranks of the middle-aged any time soon...

*smile* Thanks for the support, and encouragement, and metaphorical kick in the butt! Yeah, I'm sure it's the hormones. Why can't they be last year's ultra-horny hormones?? *So* much more fun.

And I have to quit listening to the also-hormonal pre-teen who is prone to telling me how embarrassing and old I am. Grrrrr.

*smooch* Love you!